Posted by: BibleScienceGuy | May 8, 2019

Kepler Chews On Grammar

(5 Minute Read)

Grammar Coffee Mugs

Woof! Woof!
This is Kepler, Master’s Jack Russell terrier, writing another article for Master’s Bible-Science Guy Blog.

I have been getting lots of compliments on the articles I write for Master, but I need to confess something. I know it will shock some of my readers, but I do not write these blog articles entirely by myself. English is not my first language, so I ask Master to review my drafts and correct my grammar.

Master is happy to do this because he actually likes grammar! Can you believe it? Who ever heard of someone who likes grammar?

I wondered why Master, who is a mathematician, likes grammar. When I asked him about it, he explained that mathematics involves numerical structures and rules. Grammar comprises the structure and rules of language. It makes sense that grammar would appeal to a mathematician who likes analyzing structures.

Grammar Coffee Mugs

I started asking about grammar when I saw Master’s coffee mugs. I asked Master to teach me about grammar, especially the tricky parts like the ones illustrated on the grammar coffee mugs pictured above.

So Master has been teaching me grammar! And I love it!

Master taught me these example sentences from the coffee mugs to help me remember how to use these similar word forms:
They’re having their coffee over there.
Two cups of coffee are not too many to have each day.
The effect of caffeine can greatly affect my mood.
You’re not fully functional until you have had your coffee.

Grammar Pencils

Grammar Pencils

I’m not yet a grammar expert, but I’m eagerly soaking it up. Master’s grammar pencils highlight several other grammar issues that I’m learning.

Sometimes when Master gets too manic over grammar, Missus calms him with, “There, their, they’re.” If it doesn’t work the first time she says it, then she spells it out. That always works. Precision never fails to soothe him.

As I said, English is not my first language. It’s difficult for me. But I know I can master it though, through tough thorough thought.

My native language is Canine. Canine grammar is much simpler than English grammar.

For example, Canine grammar does not have multiple verb tenses as English does. In Canine, everything is present tense — actually everything is in what we dogs call the NOW! tense. And we dogs mostly use only what Master calls first person singular pronouns — I, me, my, etc.

Commas Save Lives

Master explained to me how important good grammar and proper English is. Even punctuation can be a life-and-death situation. Consider these sample sentences:
Let’s eat Grandma.
I like cooking my family and my pets.

Omitting commas has turned regular statements into gruesome life-and-death sentences. Commas can save lives! These statements should be punctuated by adding commas this way:
Let’s eat, Grandma.
I like cooking, my family, and my pets.

Now they are completely innocuous, normal sentences.

Here’s even a lumber company’s sign illustrating this issue with another life-and-death sentence. Writing the sentence this way sounds horrible:
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Instead the sentence should be punctuated this way with commas:
My three favorite things are eating, my family, and not using commas.

To help me remember the purpose of commas, Master once asked me if I knew the difference between a cat and a comma. I said, “Of course.”
But he had something different in mind:
One has claws at the end of its paws. The other is a pause at the end of a clause.”
Do you know which is which?

Grammar Police

I don’t judge people on race, creed, or gender. Instead I judge them on grammar, spelling, punctuation, and sentence structure.

Grammar Shirt
“I am silently correcting your grammar.”

I’m eager to join the Grammar Police — whose mission is to serve, correct, and offend!

Master is good at this. Once someone nearby said, “Where’s my phone at?”
I heard Master reply, “It’s right in front of the preposition.”

I’m going to ask Master for a dog shirt like the pictured grammar shirt that we saw a lady wearing at one of our favorite campgrounds. Except I want the words to be put on the back of my shirt so everybody can read them as I patrol campgrounds with Master and Missus.

Speaking English

I have high hopes of learning good English grammar. Why? Because I know of other animals that learned to speak properly!

Parrots can talk — quite annoyingly at times.

The serpent in the Garden of Eden who tempted Eve spoke persuasively enough to lead her into sin. (Genesis 3:1-5)

Balaam’s donkey argued logically with Balaam over his treatment of her.
(Numbers 22:22-35).

If even parrots, snakes, and donkeys can at times talk, then I should be able to learn to speak with proper grammar!

And when I have mastered English grammar, I want to get a
Grammar Police badge
like the one in the picture for my grammar shirt. It will lend some authority to my grammatical pronouncements at campgrounds.

I would like to learn how to talk with proper grammar. Currently I have many different types of bark to communicate with Master.

Even though I can always understand him, sometimes he can’t understand me because I can only bark my questions and demands. Sometimes he understands my barking, but not always. If I could learn to speak, it would make communication much more efficient. So I pay close attention to Master’s English lessons.

One time when Master was teaching me about pronouns, he asked, “Can you name two pronouns?”
Missus interjected, “Who? Me?”
I split my sides over that one.

Henry and I look and look and look at Master

Master told me this Knock-Knock joke to help me remember how to use the pronouns “Who” and “Whom.”
Master: Knock, knock.
Kepler: Who’s there?
Master: To.
Kepler: To who?
Master: To whom.

My buddy Henry and I always get very hungry by our supper time. Usually we find Master and sit in front of him and look and look and look at him. Henry sits very patiently, but I don’t wait very well.

One night last week when it was my supper time, Master was fiddling around with other less important things. I ran to my “Spot” and barked and barked and jumped and jumped. Master understood what I wanted, but he said I had to be still and quiet before he would give me my food. That was extremely difficult, but I finally managed it.

I can think and talk in Canine. I can think and type in English. But I can’t speak English. I need to learn. I think it will help me get more food faster.

So I asked Master (by typing the question) to teach me how to talk. He said he would as soon as I improved my OQ (Obedience Quotient) — don’t know if I can do that.

Here’s a helpful grammar site I got from Master that covers lots of common mistakes:
The Pocket Guide to Grammar: Important Tips & Rules Everyone Should Follow

So that’s how things look from the Dog House!

Till next time, this is Kepler signing off. Woof! Woof!

Questions to Ponder

1. Do you think most animals could talk in the Garden of Eden before Adam and Eve sinned?
2. Do you find satisfaction in speaking and writing correctly?

Share your thoughts on these questions in the comments below. It could encourage or help another reader.

For Christ and His Kingdom. Soli Deo Gloria.

This is the 35th article in a series of blog posts on a precocious Jack Russell terrier named Kepler. Numbers 1-8 are by Kepler’s master, the BibleScienceGuy. Numbers 9-35 are by Kepler himself.
Read the prequels:
1. Why I Named Our Puppy “Kepler”
2. Kepler’s Kind
3. Kepler’s Lopsided Trade
4. Kepler’s Amazing Nose
5. Kepler’s Business Card
6. Kepler & the Psycho Squirrel
(with video)
7. Taunting Kepler
8. Adam and Puppies

The following posts are by Kepler:
9. Who Taught Kepler?
10. Kepler Gets a Buddy
(with video)
11. Kepler Chases a Squirrel (with video)
12. Kepler’s Complaint
13. Kepler’s To-Do List
14. Kepler and the Football Weekend
15. Kepler’s Favorite Store
16. Kepler at a Truck Stop
17. Kepler & Henry Catch a Squirrel
18. Kepler Finds Killdeer Eggs
19. Kepler Finds Robin Eggs
20. Kepler Lives to Tell the Tale
21. Kepler, Bears, & Raccoons
22. Kepler Mentors Henry
23. Kepler Gets a Bear
24. Kepler Finds Strange Eggs
25. Kepler Finds Duck Eggs
26. Kepler Gives Thanks
27. Kepler’s Newest Enemy
28. Kepler Loves Bulldogs
29. Kepler Ponders Snow
30. Kepler Wants to Move to Australia
31. Kepler’s Dating Profile
32. Kepler Meets Skunk
33. Kepler Wants to Be Good
34. Kepler on Guard

Read the sequel:
36. Kepler for President

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©William T. Pelletier, Ph.D.
“contending earnestly for the faith”
“destroying speculations against the knowledge of God”
“for the defense of the gospel”
(Jude 1:3; 2 Cor 10:5; Phil 1:16)
Wednesday May 8, 2019 A.D.

But now ask the beasts, and let them teach you;
And the birds of the heavens, and let them tell you.
Or speak to the earth, and let it teach you;
And let the fish of the sea declare to you.
Who among all these does not know
That the hand of the LORD has done this,
In whose hand is the life of every living thing,
And the breath of all mankind?
(Job 12:7-10)

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Responses

  1. I’ve never really thought about the animals talking in the Garden of Eden. But if the snake could talk, why couldn’t all the others talk too.
    Very interesting question.
    And yes, it drives me crazy to see all the incorrect grammar on FB and other social media.

    Like


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